Why Can't We Be Friends With Benefits?

Do you sometimes feel like you're beating your head against a wall trying to get even the ATTENTION you deserve with your man - much less the COMMITMENT you truly want? And that no matter what you do or say, it somehow ends up pushing him away even more? 

  

A relationship consultant, Rori said to me: I know what that frustration and pain is like - it was the way I used to go through my relationships, one after the other.  It was like an endless pattern of intense chemistry at the beginning, and then he'd always sort of "drift away" and I'd be heartbroken.

I know now that it doesn't have to be that way for you.   You can shift this awful situation round completely - so YOU feel powerful, and his love starts flowing TO you, instead of AWAY from you.

Rori shared the secret of how she got around the cycle of rejections and despondency with me. Below are some of her tips that you can use, my comments are in red:

In her words;

1. I got busy doing activities that I am passionate about (i.e. yoga classes) and making new friends – I’m guessing your passion isn’t yoga, but it could be going for dance lessons (I could recommend you to a few places), learning the piano or starting a poultry farm.

2. I put down the oars in my relationship and leaned back – I’ve heard some of my girlfriends complain that their men complain that they behave like the men in the relationship. You don’t want to be so aggressive that your man begins to feel threatened. As my brother says sometimes, “a woman should let her man cheat her sometimes and vice versa – that’s what I call, compromise.”

3. I use only feeling messages to communicate with my relationship man (it took some practice, but it is getting easier) –try not to leave all the blame at his doorstep all the time. Tell him you feel hurt when he fails to keep a promise instead of telling him that he is insensitive to your needs. Also learn and adopt his love language but be ‘coded’ about how you show it.

4. I started dating other men casually and let my relationship man know ("my goal is to be in a relationship that is moving towards marriage, so I am not looking to be anyone's girlfriend... we can still see each other) – this works too! **winks**

5. I stopped driving to him... he has to come to me – obviously.

6. Finally, I stopped going to the last minute "meet me in my office, I got an hour" dates! I told him that he would have to schedule a date with me at least 48 hours in advance. – This is a must.

And the result?

"The most amazing thing has happened... when I first started this process I was totally focused on him... he was everything to me... he was the prize for me to win!! Well, 6 weeks later, I am focused on me and my life... I noticed yesterday that I am hardly thinking about him anymore and I am starting to not want him anymore...

"He has gone from calling me 1-2 times per week to calling me 1-2 times per day. Plus he sends me text messages every day. He finally stopped asking me to "stop by his office" and started planning nice romantic evenings that he sets up several days ahead. I can feel him moving closer to me, where before he was always moving away!”

 

There you have it! Get real girlfriend, if you're in love with a man who is SO HARD to pin down, who is "afraid" of commitment, and seems to always want YOU to do the work in the relationship,   let him understand by your actions – not words that you are priceless. If a man isn't sure what he wants from you or with you, why should he have ALL of you to himself while he's figuring things out?

xoxo

abydarl

Why I Think Valentine Is All Hype

Dear abydarl,

I read your last article and I enjoyed the way you write. That is why I decided to write to you about valentine. Feel free to publish it if it meets your specs.

Valentine’s Day is just another opportunity for people to groove. Nothing more, nothing less. If we Nigerians had our way, we’d declare February 14^th a public holiday. Hehehehehe! The sad thing about that day is how both the men and women have become cultured to view the so-called day of love as a messing-around day.

My word to other young ladies out there is that they should gird their womanhood with pride and not to lose themselves to the euphoria of celebrating a love that does not exist. You may ask what moral right I have to make such assertions. Well, none maybe, but I have a shattered heart and broken dreams to show for my years of foolishness.

When you begin making excuses for his short-comings, babes, you’ve got it so bad! Be the lady that you admire in other people and one cute way to achieve that is to refuse to be taken for granted. Carry your self-esteem like a purse and never leave it at home on your way out before, during and after the valentine.

What does that mean? Try not to succumb to any pressure because you want to impress any guy or make him love you more and more important, because you want to make him happy. Forget it! He won’t be disappointed if he doesn’t have his way. He’ll only be pissed that you gave in so easily. 

And yes! I think Valentine’s Day is all hype because the ‘love’ shown on that day is like tassels that disperse in the wind. And I hope that like last year, it rains bucketfuls this Valentine. Statistically, 90 per cent of relationships forged for Val reasons fall on the rocks in less than one month afterwards. So why bother? Except of course you want to give as good as you get – meaning, you are in it for yourself and not because one lovey-dovey boy wants you in. in that case, please be my guest and have a blast.

Blessing

P.S

This submission is for teens and young ones who are still malleable and not the big aunties that are as guilty as the men that prey on women during the valentine season.

 Blessing

 

The writer’s views are respected. Young people are hoodwinked into casual sex in the hopes that they can forge strong relationships. The writer feels that such affairs seldom have happy endings. You are at liberty to form yours. Happy valentine!

xoxo

abydarl