Why Can't We Be Friends With Benefits?

Do you sometimes feel like you're beating your head against a wall trying to get even the ATTENTION you deserve with your man - much less the COMMITMENT you truly want? And that no matter what you do or say, it somehow ends up pushing him away even more? 

  

A relationship consultant, Rori said to me: I know what that frustration and pain is like - it was the way I used to go through my relationships, one after the other.  It was like an endless pattern of intense chemistry at the beginning, and then he'd always sort of "drift away" and I'd be heartbroken.

I know now that it doesn't have to be that way for you.   You can shift this awful situation round completely - so YOU feel powerful, and his love starts flowing TO you, instead of AWAY from you.

Rori shared the secret of how she got around the cycle of rejections and despondency with me. Below are some of her tips that you can use, my comments are in red:

In her words;

1. I got busy doing activities that I am passionate about (i.e. yoga classes) and making new friends – I’m guessing your passion isn’t yoga, but it could be going for dance lessons (I could recommend you to a few places), learning the piano or starting a poultry farm.

2. I put down the oars in my relationship and leaned back – I’ve heard some of my girlfriends complain that their men complain that they behave like the men in the relationship. You don’t want to be so aggressive that your man begins to feel threatened. As my brother says sometimes, “a woman should let her man cheat her sometimes and vice versa – that’s what I call, compromise.”

3. I use only feeling messages to communicate with my relationship man (it took some practice, but it is getting easier) –try not to leave all the blame at his doorstep all the time. Tell him you feel hurt when he fails to keep a promise instead of telling him that he is insensitive to your needs. Also learn and adopt his love language but be ‘coded’ about how you show it.

4. I started dating other men casually and let my relationship man know ("my goal is to be in a relationship that is moving towards marriage, so I am not looking to be anyone's girlfriend... we can still see each other) – this works too! **winks**

5. I stopped driving to him... he has to come to me – obviously.

6. Finally, I stopped going to the last minute "meet me in my office, I got an hour" dates! I told him that he would have to schedule a date with me at least 48 hours in advance. – This is a must.

And the result?

"The most amazing thing has happened... when I first started this process I was totally focused on him... he was everything to me... he was the prize for me to win!! Well, 6 weeks later, I am focused on me and my life... I noticed yesterday that I am hardly thinking about him anymore and I am starting to not want him anymore...

"He has gone from calling me 1-2 times per week to calling me 1-2 times per day. Plus he sends me text messages every day. He finally stopped asking me to "stop by his office" and started planning nice romantic evenings that he sets up several days ahead. I can feel him moving closer to me, where before he was always moving away!”

 

There you have it! Get real girlfriend, if you're in love with a man who is SO HARD to pin down, who is "afraid" of commitment, and seems to always want YOU to do the work in the relationship,   let him understand by your actions – not words that you are priceless. If a man isn't sure what he wants from you or with you, why should he have ALL of you to himself while he's figuring things out?

xoxo

abydarl

"Sack Her!"

It’s 9.45 am as you step into a cab to ferry you to the airport in time for your 1.30 pm flight to a crucial and strategic meeting set up by your company with an important business partner. Two-and-a-half hours later, you are still stuck in a traffic impasse 25 kilometres away from the airport. In order not to miss your flight, you shove you pride in your back pocket and climb on a motorcycle to complete the otherwise one-hour-and-twenty-minutes journey.

“Tuck!” Your okadaman hits the bumper of a car in front of him and a heated word battle ensues. Not being in the mood to witness the resultant fiasco, you quickly settle the okadaman  and pick up another bike. At this point, you have just about one hour to make it to the airport. However, you arrive the airport at 12.45 pm and queue up at the check-in counter. When it gets to your turn, the attendant takes one look at your ticket and without looking up from her computer informs  you that the ‘counter’ (as they call it) has been closed. You are aghast!

*******

Hold that thought… and rewind… Krshhhhhhhh……krshhhhhhh…….!!!

*******

Another scenario, you are driving to the airport to catch a flight and mistakenly, you took a road that is supposed to be “one-way.” Of course, there were no road signs to indicate that it was not a double lane and so you run straight into the traps of the local authorities. You vehemently refused to offer any form of facilitation (in fact, you have already contacted your lawyer). Because of all these delays, you finally arrive the airport at about 12.45 pm. Fast-forward ……Grrhhhhh….!!!

*******

“Oga,” the attendant says, still without looking up at you. “The counter has been closed. The flight was overbooked. There is nothing we can do about it.”

“Wait a minute! Missed flight? Overbooked…! WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT? You wonder, so you trudge on in your most placating voice.

“Please madam, I have to be on this flight. It is imperative that I am, please.”

“Like I said,” she rolls her eyes, “there is nothing I can do about it.”

“Okay, so when’s your next flight?” you ask. At this point, you are still hoping for a reasonable outcome.

“I don’t know.” She sighs. By now, you are almost boiling. “Go upstairs and ask.” This time, she really looks at you like she would an annoying fly perching on her food. She sees you are confused. “When you get to that staircase,” she huffs on, “go to the second door on your left and ask them for the next flight.”

This time, you really lose it!

Gbam!

You bang your clenched fist on the counter and bellow at everyone.

Do you find the pictures painted above somewhat familiar? I’m sure you do. It is appalling that in our country Naija, most public institutions and a great number of the private ones lack effective customer service orientation. Many corporate establishments seem to view customers as just the means to making money, they treat people as dirt and filth and with very little regard.

I witnessed a funny incident (though not so amusing at the time) last weekend. I’d just stepped into one of the popular shopping malls in Victoria Island to do some grocery shopping when I heard a fiftyish-looking man, (obviously livid at one of the attendants), yelling and pointing at an attendant, “sack herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! Sack herrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! I say sack her!!! I am sick of this country where frontline officers look down on their customers. You find them in banks, public offices, on the buses, everywhere….”

Closer attention revealed that he’d been directed from desk to desk, till to till by the attendants as he tried to settle his bills until he got to the last lady who waved him back to the beginning of the line of attendants without even uttering a word. When the matter was reported to a superior officer, the till attendant finally spoke up that she had a sore throat. That was why she couldn’t speak to the man initially. Lame excuse, did you just say?

It is especially hard for someone like me who has worked as a customer service professional to transact business with a firm and be treated with far less dignity and regard than I should get. It is ironical that Nigerians, who are voted as one of world’s happiest people, are so quick to burst into flames of anger at their customers - the source/channel of their income! If you make the lethal error of haggling prices with a market woman who is still seething from a disagreement with a fellow market woman (sometimes, 60 minutes before you came ooo), you’d understand what says the time! Hahahahaha. You don’t want to get into that argument! Scram! Fast!!

In Nigeria, the customer is not the king. The customer is not the raison d’etre for the business. The business owner is the lord and master and he can afford to treat his customers shabbily after all, Naija people don’t even know what it means to be treated respectably, so, they neither expect nor demand it. one last word to businesses: please don't let bad customer service ruin your business.

Those are my views, what’s yours?

xoxo

abydarl

Clarity at 4:29 a.m.

There are a great many things I would like to enjoy again:

The sensation felt on my tongue of a cool drink on a hot day,

The feeling of running in the rain having raindrops falling cool to the skin,

The feel of a soft kiss upon my cheek,

Being knocked to the ground by the ferocity of a hug from a seven year-old girl,

Seeing happiness in the eyes of those I love as a result of something God did through me,

Looking in the eyes of someone I care for and feeling at ease,

Working towards a goal and God seeing it to fruition,

Sharing the awesome sight of a field of the trees of burnished copper leaves, another of gold-speckled green leaves,

The scent of beautiful fragrant freshly trimmed green grass and hedges,

The caress of a heavenly breeze against my face,

The scent of a home cooked meal,

The sound of the laughter of my family across the dinner table on the night of my birthday,

The quality of conversations with people of like and different minds,

The sight of my puppy grinning mischievously at me with her tongue hanging out,

Walking through a field with God talking freely with Him, secure in Him understanding me,

Being lifted high in the air by a friend with an impish sense of humour,

The sight and sensation of the blue ocean coming towards my feet on the shore,

The regard for a newborn baby nestled in the crook of my arms

Ah…there are still a great many things I would like to enjoy again.

Inikpi OKUTACHI

... Reading this poem by Ini gives me nostalgic bumps. I remember the first time she read the words out to me in her sonorous voice, I could feel myself yearning for the many scintilating feelings and experiences  that I had never given some thought nor voice to. Those are moments that I would always cherish to have, over and over again, in this world.

Keeping it real.

xoxo

abydarl

Why I Think Valentine Is All Hype

Dear abydarl,

I read your last article and I enjoyed the way you write. That is why I decided to write to you about valentine. Feel free to publish it if it meets your specs.

Valentine’s Day is just another opportunity for people to groove. Nothing more, nothing less. If we Nigerians had our way, we’d declare February 14^th a public holiday. Hehehehehe! The sad thing about that day is how both the men and women have become cultured to view the so-called day of love as a messing-around day.

My word to other young ladies out there is that they should gird their womanhood with pride and not to lose themselves to the euphoria of celebrating a love that does not exist. You may ask what moral right I have to make such assertions. Well, none maybe, but I have a shattered heart and broken dreams to show for my years of foolishness.

When you begin making excuses for his short-comings, babes, you’ve got it so bad! Be the lady that you admire in other people and one cute way to achieve that is to refuse to be taken for granted. Carry your self-esteem like a purse and never leave it at home on your way out before, during and after the valentine.

What does that mean? Try not to succumb to any pressure because you want to impress any guy or make him love you more and more important, because you want to make him happy. Forget it! He won’t be disappointed if he doesn’t have his way. He’ll only be pissed that you gave in so easily. 

And yes! I think Valentine’s Day is all hype because the ‘love’ shown on that day is like tassels that disperse in the wind. And I hope that like last year, it rains bucketfuls this Valentine. Statistically, 90 per cent of relationships forged for Val reasons fall on the rocks in less than one month afterwards. So why bother? Except of course you want to give as good as you get – meaning, you are in it for yourself and not because one lovey-dovey boy wants you in. in that case, please be my guest and have a blast.

Blessing

P.S

This submission is for teens and young ones who are still malleable and not the big aunties that are as guilty as the men that prey on women during the valentine season.

 Blessing

 

The writer’s views are respected. Young people are hoodwinked into casual sex in the hopes that they can forge strong relationships. The writer feels that such affairs seldom have happy endings. You are at liberty to form yours. Happy valentine!

xoxo

abydarl