Thursday, December 6, 2012

When Bad Advice Comes Free!

Wow! This is a MUST read story guys! Came across this piece online and not sure who wrote it, but it’s a great story with a solid lesson to teach and a reminder to every woman. Please continue reading and don’t forget to share…..someone out there might need this!

“Biyi hasn’t worked for that long?” Dayo’s voice drips with resentment. “For real?” “He’s been trying,” I say in feeble attempt to defend my husband. “You know how the economy is.”

…My husband and I had vowed never to bring in a third party into our relationship but with a bank account screaming for revival, I need to share my burden with someone else. I grip the phone. Dayo is unusually quiet. “You still there?” I ask. “Hello?” “I am here,” she says. “I just didn’t know things were this bad. And all this while, I thought Biyi was providing for the home.” But he is, I argue silently. Well, maybe not financially for now, but in every way else, Biyi is a rock. “It’s not that bad.” My words sound frail. Dayo clucks her tongue. “You might as well be a widow.”
The words hit me like a fist. “Na you I blame,” she continues, oblivious to the damage her words have caused.

“Me? Why?” She is blaming me for this? Seriously?
“Why do you keep paying the bills?”
“Because there is no one else to do it,” I protest, upset.
“For real? He drives your car too?”
“He needs it,” I mutter. “To attend job interviews and stuff. He gets back late sometimes.”
“How late are you talking?
“Nine, ten…ish.”

Dayo pauses for a second. “I hate to say this gurl, but your husband spending your money on another woman.” Whoa! Hang on. Where did that come from? “Haba, Dayo. Biyi would never—” “Look, I know men,” she slices in. “You are his moneybag and he will take you for a ride as long as it takes. Where is your dignity, gurl?” Ride. Dignity. Moneybag. Ouch. “But he’s a good guy,” I manage. Can my husband be using me? It had never crossed my mind in the past, but I now wonder if Biyi is actually having an affair.

“I trust my wonderful Dennis…,” Dayo is saying. I barely listen. My eyes are on the clock. It’s almost midnight and Biyi isn’t home. I force myself to hear what Dayo is saying about Dennis Ono, her multimillionaire-oil- company-golden-husband. Gosh I envy her life, her perfect marriage. “My marriage is wonderful,” Dayo says, as if in affirmation to my undeclared words. “But only because I show Dennis who the boss is. He cannot try nonsense with me. Abi, you think it’s easy to get ten thousand pounds a month as pocket money?” She really gets ten grand a month? That’s like, my entire annual salary in my crappy job plus bonuses. Life is unfair. Honestly. “I am Biyi’s wife,” I say. “I cannot just desert him.” Or can I? At this rate… “In that case,” there is an edge to her voice now, “give him an ultimatum. He gets a job in two weeks or you are out of that marriage.”

“I—”
“Look, I know his type,” she says with conviction. “He conveniently won’t get a job as long as you keep dishing out your money.”
“But—”
“Starve him,” she adds. “No sex. Make life hell. You are not an ATM machine.”

Keys jangle in the hallway. Biyi is home. “Talk later,” I say to Dayo. “He’s back.” “Stand your ground,” Dayo whispers menacingly. “Ultimatum. Two weeks.” I hang up with a sigh. My husband is leaning against the door frame. For a second my heart falters. He looks tired, drawn. But Dayo’s words punctuate my compassion. “Where have you been?” Biyi gives me a side smile. “No hug?” I jerk my head at the wall clock.” Its midnight.” “I had a job interview in Birmingham,” he says. “I called you tell you I was stuck in traffic but I kept getting your voicemail. What’s wrong?” I cock my head. Is that a whiff of female perfume? It is. Dayo is right. He has been with another woman. With my car. Spending my money. My head spins. “Biyi,” I glare at him, “Where are you coming from?” He steps back, surprised. “I went to Birmingham—”
“Did you get it?” I screech. “The job?”
Biyi shakes his head. “I didn’t—”
This is the last straw. I wrench my hand out. “My car keys.”
He gives me a hard level stare. “What is wrong with you, Toni? Did I offend you?”
“Pass my keys!”

He thrusts the car keys to into my palm. I push past him, grab my duffel bag and stuff my overnight things into it. I know I am acting crazy but I have to show him that I would not be taken for a ride. That I am not a moneybag. That I have dignity. I zip the bag up and spin around. My husband is staring at me. “Is everything all right with you, sweetheart?”
“Get out of my way.”
“Where are you going with that bag?”
“I need to clear my head.” I am still yelling.
“Can we talk first?” Biyi suggests.
“I don’t want to talk. Get out of my way.”
He moves out of my path. I swipe a hand across my face, smearing my cheeks with mascara. “Don’t look for me. I will be back when my head clears.” I rush out of the house, jump into my car. My rage doubles as the feminine scent permeates the car. He has been with a woman in my car. I feel like an idiot.

* * *

I pull up in front of Dayo’s mansion. Her husband’s Porsche is in the driveway, and the porch lights illuminate my dreary form as I reach the door. I ball my fists to knock, but a scream freezes the motion.
“Kill me!” I hear Dayo scream. “Good for nothing idiot. Womaniser of the century!” Whoa. Momentarily, I am unable to move. My hand hovers in the air. Dull thuds, muffled screams. Dennis curses. “I warned you never to serve me stew that is not freshly cooked!” “Am I your slave?” Dayo yells back. “If you want fresh stew, get your PA to cook it for you. Or you think I don’t know about her? You think…”
Dayo’s words are silenced by another thump. My hands fall to my side as a flurry of blows stifle her cries. I want call the police, do something…anything. But I cannot move. And so I shut my eyes tight and listen as my friend is pummelled by her husband. The beating stops. I should dash to my car, but something holds me back. “I am sorry I got you upset darling,” Dayo finally says. Her voice is laced with pain. “It is my fault. I should have cooked for you. I…Toni wouldn’t let me get off the phone…its her fault.”
“Next time you talk to me like that, I will tattoo a punch on your forehead,” Dennis growls. “Get into the kitchen and make me fresh stew. And do something about that leech you call a friend.”
That is enough for me. I sprint back to my car and drive home.

* * *
A knock sounds on the window. Biyi. I wind down and he gives me a smile. “Head clear now?” he asks. “Leave me alone,” I mutter. Dayo’s wonderful Denis beats her up? And she never mentioned?
“I will leave you alone in two seconds,” Biyi says. There is a twinkle in his eyes. “But first, get out of the car.” I oblige, grudgingly. “What?” He reaches under the car seat and pulls out a small basket. “I didn’t come home straight from the interview. I stopped over at the Perfume shop to get you this.” He hands the basket over. Inside is a range of exotic feminine perfumes and a small card. I pull the card open, read the words: “Thank you for your support during the hardest times of my life! I love you.”

“That’s why I was late,” he explains as he pulls me into a warm embrace. “You have been so good to me, Toni. I couldn’t have asked for a better wife.” I can’t reply. My throat is lumpy.
“When you left the house to clear your head, I got a call back from the recruiter,” he says with a beam. “God answers prayers, babe. I got the job. It’s a package you won’t believe. Let’s go in. I’ll tuck you into bed and you can tell me what’s bothering you?”

* * *
I awaken to a text message from Dayo. “Denis is flying me to Seychelles this weekend. This is what you get when you stand your ground. You have to be a no nonsense gurl! Don’t you just love my life? Ciao sweetheart xxx.”

I type a quick response back: “Ciao! and i deleted her number right away.

Now, this is one story every woman should read. The grass is never greener on the other side, best believe that. No matter how good a friend’s marriage it, NEVER EVER compare with yours. It’s DEADLY and could cost you so much!

by A. Dare

Shocking, isn't it? Tell us what you think...

xoxo
abydarl

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Thursday, November 22, 2012

EZE drops out of school; Makes it into the Forbes Billionaires List!



Recently, I had a steaming discussion with some friends where each of us probably related our tons of experiences – first-hand and otherwise – about paid employment and the myriads of factors militating against the outburst of entrepreneurial horsepower in most Nigerians, especially, the university graduates among us. When you ask a typical Nigerian graduate what he or she wants to do post-graduation, the common answer is, “to try and get a job, you know it is not easy.” but sadly, it is only about one in every 100 graduates that are gainfully employed in those ‘successful’ organizations. That’s a paltry one percent! What happens to the remaining 99 percent? They hope. And keep hoping.
Is there a solution?
Entrepreneurship may well be the answer that we need to reduce the depth of unemployment and the frustration that comes with it. What is entrepreneurship?  The term is a loanword from French and was first defined by the Irish-French economist, Richard Cantillon, as the person who pays a certain price for a product to resell it at an uncertain price, thereby making decisions about obtaining and using the resources while consequently admitting the risk of enterprise. But entrepreneurship is not just about setting up one’s own business. You can display the skill of enterprise by recreating common things into very uncommon and profitable outputs. Perhaps, that is why renowned management guru, Peter Drucker defined an entrepreneur as someone who searches for change, responds to it and exploits opportunities. It then means that innovation is a specific tool of an entrepreneur, hence, an effective entrepreneur converts a source into a resource.
Few young Nigerians, who have been bold and courageous enough to dream up something, pursue them and constantly improve on them, have made serious impacts in the country today. Nairaland, bellanaija and linda ikeji are examples and there are still countless more. On a different platform, the individual who devised a means of packaging fried plantain chips in those lovely and colourful wrapping sheets that most of us currently buy while in traffic is a genius! Can you imagine how much money the business of plantain chips is making just because someone was responsible enough to think of a better way to package the product?
Quite understandably, the Nigerian business environment, the society and even our immediate families constrain a lot of us in many ways.  We are taught from a very tender age to grow up, get educated and secure a paid employment maybe as a doctor, lawyer or accountant. Not once in the growing up years did most wealthy parents or school teachers guide their wards into thinking that they could actually become a manufacturer, a cloth designer or a business owner of some sort. Even innate skills such as singing, dancing, painting, sporting etc. were equally discouraged, all in favour of studying to ace one’s school examinations. Inevitably, the training that a Nigerian undergraduate studying, for example, Mass Communication at a tertiary institution receives, only compels him to, upon graduation, ‘look for work’ as a reporter. The training may not sufficiently guide him to, perhaps, start a blog and commercialize it or veer into providing other ancillary services in advertising and public relations as an entrepreneur. This short-sighted approach makes me ask myself, “Who is the owner of that organization that I want to work for as an accountant or administrator?” Again, ask any banker who his biggest customer is; is he an employee or perhaps, even a self-employed illiterate?
A cursory look at the profiles of those who made it into the recently released Forbes list of world richest people revealed that most of them were self-made - Aligo Dangote, Walmart’s owner, S. Robson Walton and the world’s richest man today, Carlos Slim Helu & family etc. just name them. (Hey! I’m not talking about those who divert state wealth for their personal aggrandizement).
I guess it is now our choices to make – you and i. to be or not to be the next Afropreneur. And whether we want to keep on reading that Eze goes to school and thereafter became an accountant at a departmental store in the big city or that the Drummer Boy – yes, the blind one, who became the best musical producer, after studying music and pursuing his dreams. Go figure!

 xoxo
abydarl

Monday, August 27, 2012

Oxymoron of Civilization

Cock-a-doodle doo!
Distinct frenzied cries of excitement herald a glorious dawn
It’s the day of the New Yam festival
Little feet scurry about to complete their chores
Budding breasts swear at delaying cooking fires
Gray hairs converse in whispers as they hurry along
Man and nature peacefully crest along                                                                    

The Crown with twin elephant tusks has blessed and appeased
With charcoal-painted torsos, they pirouetted
Their leopard skins bobbing up and down to the flutes
While the red caps gladly dipped it in palm oil as they ate
Tapping their feet to the melancholic rhythm
Tonight! Water from the earthen pot is alu!
The milk from our gods flows for everyone                                                             

BOOM! BOOM!! BOOM!!!
Arrgh!!!
No longer are we roused by the familiar canorous cockcrow
Half-asleep children dragged to school at dawn
Hope we won’t fight in traffic today?
Why has the youth exchanged their hoes for guns?
Stories of bombings, massacres and kidnapping; dot the news                                             
cancer, global-warming, oil spills;
Politically and religiously motivated?         


How did we get here?

With sultry steps they landed on our shores
…with a Bible in one hand and a whip in the other                                                    


NOTE: I wrote this poem last year, please leave your comments

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Poodle and The Bulldog



Hi friends,
Its been pretty eventful during these past few weeks that I’ve been away. Many daunting issues came up but with sheer toughness and a conviction that I can do all things through Christ that strengthens me, I turned them around to be a piece of cake.
I won’t go into the real story now but I want to share with you all, the mindset with which I confronted the issues. The events remind me of the story of a poodle and a bulldog that got into an argument. They squabbled ceaselessly about which of them possessed superior strength and mental acumen until they decided to go into a contest. The competition was to test which of them could more speedily open their owner’s front door and get in.
And so they set out to execute this task. The bulldog went first. He stood on his two hind legs and leveraged on his size to place his fore limbs on the door handle and pulled and pulled. He did this for several hours but clumsily, his forelimbs would always slip off at the last moment and he would begin afresh. At long last, he gave up.
Very quickly, the dainty poodle scampered over to the door and scratched discreetly on the door. Moments later, the door opened and the owner of the dogs came out, bent down and scooped the poodle into her arms. When she straightened up, she beckoned on the bulldog to come on and step into the house too. Take a few seconds and imagine the smirk of satisfaction on the poodle’s dogface as she gloated in her triumph over the bulldog.
I took away several lessons from this simple story but the most profound is that physical size and strength are not always synonymous. Especially in this age and time, those who emerge tops are not usually defined by their physical strength but by their intellectual prowess. Others lessons are delineated below:
-    Always have the intellectual humility to bow to superior arguments.
-    Know your competitor’s weaknesses and capitalize on them.
-    The size of your head has nothing to do with neither the size nor the capacity of your brain. Your intellectual agility depends on how well you exercise your brain (by the way, human brains are similar in size and potentiality according to Dr Benjamin Carson).
-    Win the heart of your boss. Always deliver.
-    Build and nurture relationships. You will need them someday. The poodle sure knew how to do this.
-    Challenges are just that – challenges. Don’t fall back, give in or surrender to opposition when your self esteem is on the line.
In all, I’d say that the poodle had some balls. Interestingly, I found some other more poetic synonyms of balls. Take a look.
v       Chutzpah
v       Temerity
v       Impetus
v       Effrontery
v       Guts
v       Audaciousness
v       Audacity
v       Nerve
v       Impudence
v       Cheek
Incorporate some audaciousness in your dealings this week and tell me about it in the box below.

xoxo

abydarl


Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Why Can't We Be Friends With Benefits?



Do you sometimes feel like you're beating your head against a wall trying to get even the ATTENTION you deserve with your man - much less the COMMITMENT you truly want? And that no matter what you do or say, it somehow ends up pushing him away even more? 
  
A relationship consultant, Rori said to me: I know what that frustration and pain is like - it was the way I used to go through my relationships, one after the other.  It was like an endless pattern of intense chemistry at the beginning, and then he'd always sort of "drift away" and I'd be heartbroken.
I know now that it doesn't have to be that way for you.   You can shift this awful situation round completely - so YOU feel powerful, and his love starts flowing TO you, instead of AWAY from you.

Rori shared the secret of how she got around the cycle of rejections and despondency with me. Below are some of her tips that you can use, my comments are in red:
In her words;
1. I got busy doing activities that I am passionate about (i.e. yoga classes) and making new friends – I’m guessing your passion isn’t yoga, but it could be going for dance lessons (I could recommend you to a few places), learning the piano or starting a poultry farm.
2. I put down the oars in my relationship and leaned back – I’ve heard some of my girlfriends complain that their men complain that they behave like the men in the relationship. You don’t want to be so aggressive that your man begins to feel threatened. As my brother says sometimes, “a woman should let her man cheat her sometimes and vice versa – that’s what I call, compromise.”
3. I use only feeling messages to communicate with my relationship man (it took some practice, but it is getting easier) –try not to leave all the blame at his doorstep all the time. Tell him you feel hurt when he fails to keep a promise instead of telling him that he is insensitive to your needs. Also learn and adopt his love language but be ‘coded’ about how you show it.
4. I started dating other men casually and let my relationship man know ("my goal is to be in a relationship that is moving towards marriage, so I am not looking to be anyone's girlfriend... we can still see each other) – this works too! **winks**
5. I stopped driving to him... he has to come to me – obviously.
6. Finally, I stopped going to the last minute "meet me in my office, I got an hour" dates! I told him that he would have to schedule a date with me at least 48 hours in advance. – This is a must.
And the result?
"The most amazing thing has happened... when I first started this process I was totally focused on him... he was everything to me... he was the prize for me to win!! Well, 6 weeks later, I am focused on me and my life... I noticed yesterday that I am hardly thinking about him anymore and I am starting to not want him anymore...
"He has gone from calling me 1-2 times per week to calling me 1-2 times per day. Plus he sends me text messages every day. He finally stopped asking me to "stop by his office" and started planning nice romantic evenings that he sets up several days ahead. I can feel him moving closer to me, where before he was always moving away!”
 
There you have it! Get real girlfriend, if you're in love with a man who is SO HARD to pin down, who is "afraid" of commitment, and seems to always want YOU to do the work in the relationship,   let him understand by your actions – not words that you are priceless. If a man isn't sure what he wants from you or with you, why should he have ALL of you to himself while he's figuring things out?


xoxo
abydarl